The World According to J.

This has been an insane semester so far.  I’m teaching Western World Lit from 1700-1900 and auditing French in the afternoons MWF.  TR I have Poetry, 19th Century Lit, and Literature & Sociology. W afternoons I have a class on teaching methods. And in the evenings I run. This doesn’t leave me a lot of time to do things like grocery shop or remember to get my glasses fixed.  Also I kinda need to take the cat to the vet but I can never seem to find the time. Poor D doesn’t get to see a lot of me and I’m glad I live with my friends otherwise I’d never see them.

The world according to J is this: I can’t wait until I can just have a normal job, live in one place for more than 10 months at a time, grow some tomatoes, have time to go to the grocery store, and remember what it’s like to have a life.  I yearn for the day when I can do something crazy like take a vacation, read a book for fun, or sit through an entire movie without remembering 1,000 things I should be doing instead.  I never thought I’d say it but the real world is kinda looking good. Being an adult is easier than being an adult and a student.

Currently reading:

• Northanger Abbey, by Jane Austen
• Selected Poems, by Samuel Taylor Coleridge
• From Mandeville to Marx, by Louis Dumont
• Platero y yo, by Juan Ramon Jimenez
• The Complete Book of Running for Women, by Claire Kowalchick
• Mise en Scene, by Cheryl Krueger
• Pause-Cafe, by Nora Megharbi
• What to Eat, by Marion Nestle
• Ahead of All Parting, by Ranier Maria Rilke
• The Red and the Black, by Stendhal
• Lyrical Ballads, by William Wordsworth

I think you can guess which ones of those are for my classes.

Sadness

I’m officially too busy to blog.  This is going to be one hell of a semester!

Due List

Tuesday 30 June: English quiz on The Tempest, Spanish daily human rights journal due, Spanish creative illustrative human rights project due

Wednesday 1 July: Spanish create-your-own-human-right project and presentation due, Spanish paper on Levinas due

Thursday 2 July: Spanish final, Spanish oral exam

Friday 3 July: fall into a pile on the floor and sleep until I’ve reached a state something akin to a coma

An Education.

I fell in love with learning because it was just that: learning.  And I’m still just as much in love with books and everything as I always have been.  But my school has ripped the learning out of it and made it about numbers, and to be honest I think that’s what most grad schools do.  And I know that now, after nearly 12 solid months of school.  I know that I’m not cut out for this place because it will never be about that for me, because what I want is something that no university will ever give me: an education.   I want to read books because I love them, not because I need to get an A in a class or because getting into a conference will make my department look better.  I want to pick up books and look at them the way I did before grad school started making me sick to my stomach.  To hold them and feel the weight of their words, to smell their bindings and be in awe that paper and glue can make my stomach jump and my eyes water.  I want to read things and feel as though little bits of me become better for it.  That is something I never thought I’d lose, and I need it back.

This is not to say that grad school is all bad.  I’ve learned a lot here.  But most of what I’ve learned is far from academic.  I’ve learned that friends can be people you never thought you’d have anything to do with, and that people you thought you’d know forever can suddenly disappear from your life.  I’ve grown up a lot in the past year.  I’ve learned French, I’ve learned Spanish, I’ve learned how to teach things and how not to teach things.  I’ve learned that advisers don’t actually advise you, most of them just criticize your decisions.  But more than anything I’ve remembered how to be me again after everything that happened last year.  And none of this is anything that I’d trade.  All these things make me who I am.  What I’m beginning to learn is that who I am is not who I thought I’d be.  In fact, its anything but.

I got a Spanish test back this evening, with a grade that did not reflect the painful hours of studying that I put in.  I sat in my seat, though a movie, through a presentation, filed with the knowledge that I’d never get into a PhD program.  And then, in the middle of the midterm it hit me: I don’t want to be in a PhD program right now.  This life that I’ve wanted since I was 15 is suddenly seriously unappealing to me.  Not because I don’t want to be a professor or because I’m not willing to work hard in school but for one simple, indisputable reason: I’m not in love with it.

My classmates get tests back and study them to see what they’ve done wrong.  They check out supplimental reading materials from the library.  They find authors and websites that pertain to our courses and bring them up in class.  They get genuinely excited about what we’re studying.  And you know what?  Never once has it even occurred to me to do any of these things.  Not once.  I leave class and I’m gone, I don’t think about it until I break out my homework, and then I do what’s on the syllabus and not a thing more.  I’m simply not in love with schoolwork the way that they are.

And that’s ok.

What’s not ok is for me to continue on in the academic world acting like I am.

I’m going to finish this degree, but at this point I’m finishing simply because I started.  Yes, I know there are things about this last year in school that will be good, but I’m now filled with the knowledge that this is in fact my last year in school.  I’m not going to go on.  So now I just have to figure out what the heck I can do with an MA in Comparative Literature…

Le Sigh

…And now I’m reconsidering everything I’d planned.

What’s a girl to do?

BeNeLux pictures are up!

Ok, so I posted pictures on Picasa. In theory this should work, but let me know if there are issues!

http://picasaweb.google.com/jocelynmarieyoung/BeNeLux?authkey=Gv1sRgCNfXtObt7uWcBQ&feat=email#

Pictures Forthcoming

I’ll post some pictures and more details in a bit, but for now here’s a general idea of what I’ve been up to for the last few days:

21 May: Bruges, Belgium

22 May: day off (kinda) back in Mons, Belgium

23 May: Ville de Luxemborg, Luemborg for Dustin’s marathon

24 May: Ville de Luxemborg + Maastricht, Netherlands

25 May: Maastricht + Den Hague, Netherlands + Delft, Netherlands

Made It!

Made it to Belgium in one piece! I’m forcing myself to be lazy…not only is it good for me but this is one of my last opportunities to do that in the forseeable future.  I’m totally having fun hanging out with D though.

I’m happy :)

General Boarding Call

Continental Airline Attendant: This is a general boarding call for flight 60 to Newark.  We are now boarding all seats in all rows.  For those who are considered part of this general boarding call, please do not sit in the large, cushy blue seats at the front of the aircraft, those are reserved for people who have paid twice the price.  Thank you.

Who Knew

Running is way more fun when you’re not doing it because you’re angry.  Who knew?

Thanks for the Update, K.

Katharine: So do you think that, all this time you’ve really had a thing for D?

Me: I…I think so. Yeah.

Katharine: Well it’s about time.

Me: Huh?

Katharine: Yeah, I’ve known that you guys are perfect for each other for like 2 years now.

Me: Um, thanks for letting me in on the secret.

Hey, Kids!

Sorry…it’s been a rough semester.  I’ve spent most of my time holed up reading stuff and listening to last.fm.

On the up side, I’ve become very acquainted with every one of the coffee shops near my house.  And the library. And the student center. And the living rooms of various friends (thanks!).

But my ears freaking hurt from my headphones! Anyone know of some good ear buds that won’t make my ears ache?  I’m seriously seeking suggestions here.

In this next week:

• Anthropology midterm
• French make-up exam
• Spanish presentation (including supplemental super fun reading at no additional charge!)
• Starting ESOL classes (teaching them, that is)

Oh! chacousa.com has Chacos on sale! Super excited! Finally got a new pair at 40% off! My old ones were too small and giving me arch cramps :(

…and now it’s back to making that study guide for Cultural Anthropology.  Sorry kids, I’m out.

Anyone?

Needed: free labor to do menial things like change the cat pan, clean the bathroom and kitchen, etc. so I can focus on more important things like finding out where my money is (ahem, bursar’s office!) and trying to read annoying things in Spanish.

Anyone?

Yup, that’s what I thought.

Float On.

No, don’t you worry, we’ll all float on.
Alright, I’m ready, we’ll all float on.
Alright, don’t worry, we’ll all float on.

Bienvenue à janvier.  It’s the 17th, and it’s been a long month already.  Not in that bad, will-this-month-ever-end, kind of way.  More like in the i’ve-been-so-busy-and-gotten-so-much-done-that-i-can’t-believe-it’s-still-the-same-month kind of way.  I’ve finished my allotted time at two different bookstore jobs (for which I get to go collect my paychecks on Friday, hurrah!), had my academic advisor revamp my entire academic career (in only 45 min!), met a ton of cool people and rediscovered others, and had a lot of fun and not a lot of sleep.  How is it only the 17th??

So, for your reading pleasure, a few highlights:

• My gay best friend arrived from California
• My washing machine broke and spewed water over my kitchen floor
• I had different guys in my bed 3 nights in a row (there’s a totally non-slutty explanation for this, but it sounds better this way, haha)
• I’m accidentally stuck with a W in a class I don’t need because the computer system freaked out on me
• My good friend got his heart broken en route to Belgium
• I rediscovered a friend who I thought was long-lost (or at least long-gone)

It’s currently 28 degrees out there, my house reeks of cabbage, the electricity keeps shorting in my room whenever I use my space heater, I’m pretty much drowning in homework after one week of classes, and I’m feeling pretty good about things.  For real. It’s going to be a good semester. :)

So Happy Christmas…

And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young

Its pushing midnight here on Christmas Eve and I’m sitting in the bed in the guest room at my dad’s house in Iowa thinking about life and family and about a million other things.  And, as I send text messages to my friends that are returned with little electronic alien noises to my phone, the thing that springs to mind is something I read on the back of a water bottle a while ago.  According to this study, if you feel thirsty then it’s a sign that you’re already getting dehydrated.  This means that we spend most of our lives actually being thirsty and not even knowing it…so basically we should be drinking water all the time.

I can see why whatever water company I was supporting spent money on having this printed on their bottles; this is great for their business.  However, I can’t help but thinking how this is such a universal thing.  If this applies to something as basic as water intake, how far does it really stretch?

For example, if I come to the realization that I’m ridiculiously happy, this probably means it’s something that’s been building.  I’ve really been moderately happy for some time.  On the other hand, if I find myself desperately lonely, I’ve most likely been somewhat lonely for a while.

I’m thinking about this because this is where I find myself.  It’s Christmas Eve, and I’ve spent most of the day being sick with a cold and reading other people’s Christmas blogs.  Maybe I’m looking in the wrong places but I feel somehow like I’ve missed something.  It seems like bloggers fall into one of two categories on Christmas:

1. “I f*^king hate everyone and the entire holiday season. Pass the vodka.”

2. “I love Jesus and I’m spending this wonderful season with my perfect family and dear friends, all of whom happen to live in one town.”

This is really not working for me.  Yes, I hate the holiday season (pass the vodka).  Yes, I think Christmas is supposed to be a celebration of the birth of Jesus.  And no, I don’t have a real family to speak of or friends who all live in one place to celebrate with.  Which is how I find myself sitting alone on Christmas Eve, reminding myself that I really do have awesome friends but you don’t get to choose your family.  Don’t get my wrong, I love my dad, but my family is anything but festive and cheerful and loving.  Some things are never easy.

So, Happy Christmas.  To you, to me, to everyone I love so much.  And here’s to New Year’s Eve next week!