The World According to J.

This has been an insane semester so far.  I’m teaching Western World Lit from 1700-1900 and auditing French in the afternoons MWF.  TR I have Poetry, 19th Century Lit, and Literature & Sociology. W afternoons I have a class on teaching methods. And in the evenings I run. This doesn’t leave me a lot of time to do things like grocery shop or remember to get my glasses fixed.  Also I kinda need to take the cat to the vet but I can never seem to find the time. Poor D doesn’t get to see a lot of me and I’m glad I live with my friends otherwise I’d never see them.

The world according to J is this: I can’t wait until I can just have a normal job, live in one place for more than 10 months at a time, grow some tomatoes, have time to go to the grocery store, and remember what it’s like to have a life.  I yearn for the day when I can do something crazy like take a vacation, read a book for fun, or sit through an entire movie without remembering 1,000 things I should be doing instead.  I never thought I’d say it but the real world is kinda looking good. Being an adult is easier than being an adult and a student.

Currently reading:

• Northanger Abbey, by Jane Austen
• Selected Poems, by Samuel Taylor Coleridge
• From Mandeville to Marx, by Louis Dumont
• Platero y yo, by Juan Ramon Jimenez
• The Complete Book of Running for Women, by Claire Kowalchick
• Mise en Scene, by Cheryl Krueger
• Pause-Cafe, by Nora Megharbi
• What to Eat, by Marion Nestle
• Ahead of All Parting, by Ranier Maria Rilke
• The Red and the Black, by Stendhal
• Lyrical Ballads, by William Wordsworth

I think you can guess which ones of those are for my classes.

Sadness

I’m officially too busy to blog.  This is going to be one hell of a semester!

Due List

Tuesday 30 June: English quiz on The Tempest, Spanish daily human rights journal due, Spanish creative illustrative human rights project due

Wednesday 1 July: Spanish create-your-own-human-right project and presentation due, Spanish paper on Levinas due

Thursday 2 July: Spanish final, Spanish oral exam

Friday 3 July: fall into a pile on the floor and sleep until I’ve reached a state something akin to a coma

An Education.

I fell in love with learning because it was just that: learning.  And I’m still just as much in love with books and everything as I always have been.  But my school has ripped the learning out of it and made it about numbers, and to be honest I think that’s what most grad schools do.  And I know that now, after nearly 12 solid months of school.  I know that I’m not cut out for this place because it will never be about that for me, because what I want is something that no university will ever give me: an education.   I want to read books because I love them, not because I need to get an A in a class or because getting into a conference will make my department look better.  I want to pick up books and look at them the way I did before grad school started making me sick to my stomach.  To hold them and feel the weight of their words, to smell their bindings and be in awe that paper and glue can make my stomach jump and my eyes water.  I want to read things and feel as though little bits of me become better for it.  That is something I never thought I’d lose, and I need it back.

This is not to say that grad school is all bad.  I’ve learned a lot here.  But most of what I’ve learned is far from academic.  I’ve learned that friends can be people you never thought you’d have anything to do with, and that people you thought you’d know forever can suddenly disappear from your life.  I’ve grown up a lot in the past year.  I’ve learned French, I’ve learned Spanish, I’ve learned how to teach things and how not to teach things.  I’ve learned that advisers don’t actually advise you, most of them just criticize your decisions.  But more than anything I’ve remembered how to be me again after everything that happened last year.  And none of this is anything that I’d trade.  All these things make me who I am.  What I’m beginning to learn is that who I am is not who I thought I’d be.  In fact, its anything but.

I got a Spanish test back this evening, with a grade that did not reflect the painful hours of studying that I put in.  I sat in my seat, though a movie, through a presentation, filed with the knowledge that I’d never get into a PhD program.  And then, in the middle of the midterm it hit me: I don’t want to be in a PhD program right now.  This life that I’ve wanted since I was 15 is suddenly seriously unappealing to me.  Not because I don’t want to be a professor or because I’m not willing to work hard in school but for one simple, indisputable reason: I’m not in love with it.

My classmates get tests back and study them to see what they’ve done wrong.  They check out supplimental reading materials from the library.  They find authors and websites that pertain to our courses and bring them up in class.  They get genuinely excited about what we’re studying.  And you know what?  Never once has it even occurred to me to do any of these things.  Not once.  I leave class and I’m gone, I don’t think about it until I break out my homework, and then I do what’s on the syllabus and not a thing more.  I’m simply not in love with schoolwork the way that they are.

And that’s ok.

What’s not ok is for me to continue on in the academic world acting like I am.

I’m going to finish this degree, but at this point I’m finishing simply because I started.  Yes, I know there are things about this last year in school that will be good, but I’m now filled with the knowledge that this is in fact my last year in school.  I’m not going to go on.  So now I just have to figure out what the heck I can do with an MA in Comparative Literature…

Le Sigh

…And now I’m reconsidering everything I’d planned.

What’s a girl to do?

Hurrah!

I did it! I finished my first year of grad school! Actually I finished on the 7th but I’ve been so exhausted since that I’ve kind of just been in a pile on the floor.

So today I go watch some friends graduate and then wonder what next year will be like without them.  Sad, but supremely happy at the same time (and besides, it gives me an excuse to wear a cute dress ;) ).

Ugh.

I am so over people being academically competetive. Unfortunately, this probably means I’m going to have to be all kinds of uninvolved.

I hate people today.

French Hell

Me (referring to my present studying situation): it’s like being in french hell.

Emily: not unless you’re being sneared at by ambiguously gay men and stepping over dog poop in the streets. THEN you’re in french hell.

Me: well in that case my projected arrival date is 29 may.

71 Degrees of Happiness

Today was the last day of class before Spring Break, and it turned out to be a pretty perfect day.  I woke up in a darn good mood and it was one of those amazing morning where the birds are chirping and its sunny and there’s this breeze that brings goosebumps to your arms in just the right way. After classes Stephanie and I ate hot dogs in the North Campus quad and watched people play frisbee and yell at each other about their Spring Break plans. I spent so long sitting outside drinking tea in this perfect mixture of sun on my hair and show under my Chacos even though it waupwards of 70 degrees.  It somehow felt like I was in a book that I’d never read before.  Today my life is better than books.  And it takes a lot for me to say that.

P.S. I also had craft time and hung out with some of my favorite people and of course, Spring Break is here!

…great day. :)