Continental Airline Attendant: This is a general boarding call for flight 60 to Newark. We are now boarding all seats in all rows. For those who are considered part of this general boarding call, please do not sit in the large, cushy blue seats at the front of the aircraft, those are reserved for people who have paid twice the price. Thank you.
May 17, 2009
Dustin: I like fire, just not on my face.
March 11, 2009
1. Use toothpicks to make cages for tiny animals.
2. Hide a small object inside a ball of play-doh and have someone try to guess what it is.
3. Recreate famous works of art and make a tiny gallery for them.
4. Turn your blackberry into a strawberry.
5. Clean your wallpaper with it (this was its original intended use).
6. Celebrate National Play-Doh Day on 16 September.
7. Make tiny plates of pink spaghetti.
8. Make molds of small household objects.
9. Make neon Christmas ornaments.
10. Mix all the colors together and see if you can create a new one.
Did anyone know that you can make peanut butter play doh? Yeah, Google just informed me of this awkward fact. I guess being allowed to eat your medium would make preschool way easier on some people…
December 11, 2008
Me: (answering the phone) Can I call you back? I’m talking to you online right now.
Katharine: (crackle) sh, (crackle) i, (crackle), (mumble)
Me: Katharine, I have no idea what you’re saying, I can’t hear you.
Katharine: (slurring) Sorry, I took NyQuil, and holding the phone up to my ear was too hard so i wedged it between my head and the pillow. Is this better?
Me: Much. Now, what were you saying?
Katharine: I woke up last night and crashed into the wall on the way to the bathroom.
Me: Did your roommates move the wall again?
Katharine: Huh?
Me: I’m sorry you got hit in the head.
Katharine: (groans)
Me: If it makes you feel any better, I was trying to turn off the space heater last night and burned my fingers so many times that I would up just pulling it out of the wall. And then I remembered there was a remote for it.
Katharine: (laughs) I sound stoned.
Me: You remember that episode of That 70s Show where they record everything they say in the circle and play it back later and realize its all stupid?
Katharine: I know, that’s what I sound like.
Me: Yeah….
October 26, 2008
In his defence, they really are...
There is nothing snarky enough for this one...
…and this is why you should at least look at your kid’s homework before you throw them on the bus.
October 1, 2008
katharine: where did i park?
me: i don’t know, where are you?
katharine: the des moines airport…i parked on the top top floor.
me: is that topper than the top floor?
katharine: it is.
me: well then you should go all the way up.
katharine: i see a skywalk. but its on the second floor.
me: how many floors are there?
katharine: four.
me: fail. that skywalk is definitely not a skywalk.
katharine: ooh i found it!
July 28, 2008
katharine has joined
Vince has joined
katharine: hello!
Vince: yo
me: heyyyyyyyyyy
i am so retarded
and i love it
Vince: wow, anyone else feel like we’re back in junior high?
me: yup!
katharine: joss i love that we are also on the phone…
very much so
Vince: OH WOW
should we threeway on there too?
katharine: 3sum what
me: threeway…hehe
katharine: ice
Vince: MMmmm
me: kitty kat i love you
katharine: i love you
Vince: OOOooo in denmark they have ice bars
where everything, even the glasses are ice
wait- no love for me?
katharine: LETS GO!
i love you vince
Vince: only a bomb sandwich and check this- creme brule french toast
me:creme brule?
Vince: yup
me: i’m confused…
Vince: and that’s different from normal how?
me: you’re right…
katharine: i want it!!
Vince: i’s fucking good!
me: i used to have a creme brule torch…i wonder what happened to it
katharine: i like fire
me: }:)
haha, this one is retarded
Vince: if you lived with me or close by there’s a huge chance that i would have thieved it
but alas…
me: sigh
Vince: :(|)
MONKEY
katharine: we all need to live in the same state
move to chicago everyone!
Vince: fuck that- CA or bust
me: if i’m going to move thousands of miles i wanna live somewhere wher i don’t have to shovel in the winter…
katharine: but i just got a jon
July 21, 2008
Vince: oh and one major strike against this guy
me: ?
Vince: he doesn’t like coffee
katharine: what
Vince: i realized coffee, wine, and drinking are a must with me
me: um yeah
as it should be
Vince: and the order depends on the day
hahah
me: haha
katharine: i agree
me: mine are tea wine and cheese
Vince: well coffee and tea are the same in my head
gotta love both
and cheese is a WAY must
katharine: i like cheese
me: that’s cause you’re a kat
July 21, 2008
katharine has joined
Vince has joined
katharine: hello!
Vince: yo
me: heyyyyyyyyyy
i am so retarded
and i love it
Vince: wow, anyone else feel like we’re back in junior high?
me: yup!
katharine: joss i love that we are also on the phone…
very much so
Vince: OH WOW
should we threeway on there too?
July 10, 2008
I was just reading this on Donald Miller’s blog about his cross-country bike ride:
Some unfortunate lowlights:
- The doping controversy: As you know, cycling and steroids have had a long, dark relationship. Our team is, unfortunately, no exception. Each day we are drug tested and on Wednesday of last week several of our team members tested positive. After a long, last sprint to the finish tuesday, the team suspected that Mindy Gunter was doping and sure enough that evening she tested positive. And last night Mike Barrow found uncommon strength at the end of the ride in order to finish first on the longest ride of the year. Mike is fifty-five and so we made him pee in a cup.
Do pray for us and the steroid controversy as it has the potential to ruin the team and negatively affect our campaign. Also, if anybody has a testing kit we could really use one. Right now we just hold the cup up to the light and smell it and swish it around like a glass of wine. Then we go with our gut.
June 17, 2008
Me: My life has gotten so boring. I think my writers are on strike.
Katharine: Mine too. Well, actually, the only ones working are the ones who like to make me seem crazy.
Me: You are crazy.
Katharine: Shut up.
Me: ::giggle::
Katharine: Oh wait!! I almost forgot! I got engaged to Mickey Mouse! We’re getting married in three months!
Me: I’m totally going to be your bridesmaid, right?
Katharine: Of course!
Me: Phew! See?? We’re not as boring as we thought!
Katharine: I know! We just need to talk to each other more!
Me: Holy crap! I have a brilliant and totally geeky idea. Promise you won’t laugh at me!
Katharine: I can’t promise that, you know that.
Me: We totally have to trade the Rainbow Brite shirt back and forth, like in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants!
Katharine: I’m not laughing.
Me: No! Its awesome! We can both have the shirt and we can both get non-bill mail!
Katharine: Yes!!
Me: We are so brilliant!! And not boring!!
I wish we were kidding….
June 12, 2008
The newest post on Stuff White People Like:
White people love rules. It explains why so they get upset when people cut in line, why they tip so religiously and why they become
lawyers. But without a doubt, the rule system that white people love the most is grammar. It is in their blood not only to use perfect grammar but also to spend significant portions of time pointing out the errors of others.
When asking someone about their biggest annoyances in life, you might expect responses like “hunger,” “being poor,” or “getting shot.” If you ask a white person, the most common response will likely be “people who use ‘their’ when they mean ‘there.’ Maybe comma splices, I’m not sure but it’s definitely one of the two.”
If you wish to gain the respect of a white person, it’s probably a good idea that you find an obscure and debated grammar rule such as the “Oxford Comma” and take a firm stance on what you believe is correct. This is seen as more productive and forward thinking that simply stating your anger at the improper use of “it’s.
Another important thing to know is that when white people read magazines and books they are always looking for grammar and spelling mistakes. In fact, one of the greatest joys a white person can experience is to catch a grammar mistake in a major publication. Finding one allows a white person to believe that they are better than the writer and the publication since they would have caught the mistake. The more respected the publication, the greater the thrill. If a white person were to catch a mistake in The New Yorker, it would be a sufficient reason for a large party.
Though they reserve the harshest judgment for professional, do not assume that white people will cast a blind eye to your grammar mistakes in email and official documents. They will judge you and make a general assessment about your intelligence after the first infraction. Fortunately, this situation can be improved if you ask a white person to proof read your work before you send it out. “Hey Jill, I’m sorry to do this, but I have a business degree and I’m a terrible writer. Can you look this over for me?” This deft maneuver will allow the white person to feel as though their liberal arts degree has a purpose and allow you to do something more interesting.
Don’t worry, it is impossible for a white person to turn down the opportunity to proofread.
May 14, 2008
I found this really awesome blog that is totally making me laugh. The list for May 1st was Unfortunate Company Logos of the Day. My personal favorites are the Kidsexchange (very top of the list) and the Anthony Byrne logo (fourth from last).
Do people really not look at these things closely? You’re advertising your business here, people, not attempting to tell the world how you violate children…
May 12, 2008
Katharine: Chad and I went to Wal-Mart in the middle of the night and bought a kiddie pool and two inflatable inner tubes, sat in my living room, and drank beer and watched TV in the pool.
Me: Were you wearing swimsuits?
Katharine: Um…yes.
Me: Inner tubes, eh?
Katharine: Mine’s a hippo. I named her Marion. Chad named his alligator Crocodile Dundee.
Me: Good thing you got inner tubes, you might have drown otherwise.
Me: I’m jealous.
Katharine: You should be, I love my lagoon.
April 30, 2008
