• going for a run while it’s still somewhat cool out
• sitting at the pool
• going to the gym for yoga class
• reading any book that I don’t have to write a paper on
• studying for my French translation exam tomorrow
• sleeping in
• finally planting those peppers that I’ve been staring at with a sense of plant guilt
• attempting to rearrange my fall semester to see if i can squeeze in a ballet class for fun
• updating my blog that I never remember about

The world according to J is this: I can’t wait until I can just have a normal job, live in one place for more than 10 months at a time, grow some tomatoes, have time to go to the grocery store, and remember what it’s like to have a life.  I yearn for the day when I can do something crazy like take a vacation, read a book for fun, or sit through an entire movie without remembering 1,000 things I should be doing instead.  I never thought I’d say it but the real world is kinda looking good. Being an adult is easier than being an adult and a student.

Currently reading:

• Northanger Abbey, by Jane Austen
• Selected Poems, by Samuel Taylor Coleridge
• From Mandeville to Marx, by Louis Dumont
• Platero y yo, by Juan Ramon Jimenez
• The Complete Book of Running for Women, by Claire Kowalchick
• Mise en Scene, by Cheryl Krueger
• Pause-Cafe, by Nora Megharbi
• What to Eat, by Marion Nestle
• Ahead of All Parting, by Ranier Maria Rilke
• The Red and the Black, by Stendhal
• Lyrical Ballads, by William Wordsworth

I think you can guess which ones of those are for my classes.

Wednesday 1 July: Spanish create-your-own-human-right project and presentation due, Spanish paper on Levinas due

Thursday 2 July: Spanish final, Spanish oral exam

Friday 3 July: fall into a pile on the floor and sleep until I’ve reached a state something akin to a coma

This is not to say that grad school is all bad.  I’ve learned a lot here.  But most of what I’ve learned is far from academic.  I’ve learned that friends can be people you never thought you’d have anything to do with, and that people you thought you’d know forever can suddenly disappear from your life.  I’ve grown up a lot in the past year.  I’ve learned French, I’ve learned Spanish, I’ve learned how to teach things and how not to teach things.  I’ve learned that advisers don’t actually advise you, most of them just criticize your decisions.  But more than anything I’ve remembered how to be me again after everything that happened last year.  And none of this is anything that I’d trade.  All these things make me who I am.  What I’m beginning to learn is that who I am is not who I thought I’d be.  In fact, its anything but.

I got a Spanish test back this evening, with a grade that did not reflect the painful hours of studying that I put in.  I sat in my seat, though a movie, through a presentation, filed with the knowledge that I’d never get into a PhD program.  And then, in the middle of the midterm it hit me: I don’t want to be in a PhD program right now.  This life that I’ve wanted since I was 15 is suddenly seriously unappealing to me.  Not because I don’t want to be a professor or because I’m not willing to work hard in school but for one simple, indisputable reason: I’m not in love with it.

My classmates get tests back and study them to see what they’ve done wrong.  They check out supplimental reading materials from the library.  They find authors and websites that pertain to our courses and bring them up in class.  They get genuinely excited about what we’re studying.  And you know what?  Never once has it even occurred to me to do any of these things.  Not once.  I leave class and I’m gone, I don’t think about it until I break out my homework, and then I do what’s on the syllabus and not a thing more.  I’m simply not in love with schoolwork the way that they are.

And that’s ok.

What’s not ok is for me to continue on in the academic world acting like I am.

I’m going to finish this degree, but at this point I’m finishing simply because I started.  Yes, I know there are things about this last year in school that will be good, but I’m now filled with the knowledge that this is in fact my last year in school.  I’m not going to go on.  So now I just have to figure out what the heck I can do with an MA in Comparative Literature…

What’s a girl to do?

http://picasaweb.google.com/jocelynmarieyoung/BeNeLux?authkey=Gv1sRgCNfXtObt7uWcBQ&feat=email#

21 May: Bruges, Belgium

22 May: day off (kinda) back in Mons, Belgium

23 May: Ville de Luxemborg, Luemborg for Dustin’s marathon

24 May: Ville de Luxemborg + Maastricht, Netherlands

25 May: Maastricht + Den Hague, Netherlands + Delft, Netherlands

I’m happy :)

So today I go watch some friends graduate and then wonder what next year will be like without them.  Sad, but supremely happy at the same time (and besides, it gives me an excuse to wear a cute dress ;) ).

On the radio
We heard November Rain
That solo’s really long
But it’s a pretty song
We listened to it twice
‘Cause the DJ was asleep

This is how it works
You’re young until you’re not
You love until you don’t
You try until you can’t
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else’s heart
Pumping someone else’s blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don’t get harmed
But even if it does
You’ll just do it all again

And on the radio
You hear November Rain
That solo’s awful long
But it’s a good refrain
You listen to it twice
‘Cause the DJ is asleep
On the radio

Regina Spektor

I hate people today.