The Green Lagoon

Katharine: Chad and I went to Wal-Mart in the middle of the night and bought a kiddie pool and two inflatable inner tubes, sat in my living room, and drank beer and watched TV in the pool.

Me: Were you wearing swimsuits?

Katharine: Um…yes.

Me: Inner tubes, eh?

Katharine: Mine’s a hippo. I named her Marion. Chad named his alligator Crocodile Dundee.

Me: Good thing you got inner tubes, you might have drown otherwise.

Me: I’m jealous.

Katharine: You should be, I love my lagoon.

Cliché

We have a lot of clichés about love. I didn’t realize just how many until I did a Google search just now. This is just a small fraction of what I found:

“a faint heart never a true love knows”

“all’s fair in love and war“

“better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”

“if you love something set it free”

“love conquers all”

“love is blind”

“you only hurt the one you love”

In spite of all of them, I feel less convinced than ever before that “love conquers all”. Maybe love does conquer all, but if it does, it’s not human love they’re talking about. If it were, things would be a hell of a lot different, and not just in my life.

Is there a color between gray and gray?

My job is mindless. Drama stalks me. I’m indecisive. My boyfriend is having a 1/3-life crisis. My childhood pet just died. My friends all live hundreds of miles away. I’ve had about 100 bad hair days in a row. I’m ready for a change.

There’s so much drama here that I feel like I’m really ready to go back to school. I’m ready for something new. But all this thinking about moving on has led me to one question: Where do I draw the line between moving on and running away?

If there are things in your life that you’re better off getting away from, does leaving for something else still constitute running away? Right now, things are insane here, and I have to admit that running away sounds pretty damn good. But I refuse to let myself do that yet again. If I move somewhere else, it needs to be for the right reasons for once, I’m sick of screwing my life up by constantly being on the run. This is where things are beginning to get a little fuzzy.

Yes, if I stay there are going to be a lot of things I have to work through. I’m willing to do that. Yes, if I leave I’m going to have to start all over. I’m good at that. Its just that everything is so gray, there’s no clear right and wrong choice here. Its not like, hey, do I want to kill the puppy or let it live? And, to be honest, I already know what I want to do. Its getting there that I can’t figure out.

Correction

Correction. I’m upset. Really upset. And I have no idea what to do about it.

Leaves and Fishes

In spite of my greatest and book-iest efforts, the bookcase happiness has been fleeting. I’m trying to make the inevitable grad school decision, which is turning out to be a hell of a lot more difficult than I thought it would. I think the root of the problem is that my interests are still too vast. In reality I probably need to go on and get 3 more BAs and then think about grad school. Since that’s not going to happen, its mostly coming down to money. Even though UGA is the cheapest deal, I’m beginning to think it might not be the best school for me. USC is relatively affordable, but their program isn’t perfect. And HU is ludicrously expensive and has a great program. HU lets me incorporate sociology, BUT they won’t let me do my MA in two languages, I have to do it in English only. Whereas, at USC I can combine English, Spanish and French, but no sociology, strictly literature. Like I said, I need to go back to undergrad.

On top of that, I’m trying to find another job to tide me over financially until I can defer my student loans again. And B is having an early mid-life crisis. Wait, here’s where it gets really crazy. I don’t actually feel that stressed out, mostly just exhausted. In an effort to get the heck out of dodge for a bit in the midst of our crazy schedules, I’m trying ton convince B that we need to go hiking at Ft. Mtn. again to see the trees leafing or head up to the TN Aquarium because he really likes the fishes and I really like TN.

I’m exhausted and my entire body feels fuzzy. Its time for a break from here.

Lovelace

They say that inside every fat person is a thin person waiting to get out. I don’t believe that. I think that some people are meant to be fat, or at least not skinny…we’re not all supposed to be the same. What I do believe is that there is something waiting to get out of everyone. I think we all hold back. I think we’re all so afraid of being the fat girl that we spend most of our lives either trying to blend in or to make other people happy. And either way, we’re not making ourselves happy. And its hard to make others happy when you’re unhappy.

If I have freedom in my love,
And in my soul am free,
Angels alone that sore above
Enjoy such liberty.

Happiness, that’s it guys. Its about being free in your own soul, in your love, and in your own skin. If you can do those things, you’re going to be ok in life. I’m in no way saying its easy. In fact, attempting to be happy is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Ahem. I should say tried.

Mostly it comes down to this: I have spent 24.5 years wishing I could go home. I have spent about 20.5 years trying to find it. So far, I got nothing. But I have come to understand something. Spending all my time searching for something this elusive has not made me happy.

When I was 12 I fell in love with this unfinished bookcase at a flea market and I happily forked over $20 of my hard-earned babysitting money to take it with me. The bookcase has since waited patiently for me to sand and finish it, sometimes holding books, other times pictures, but recently it has spent a lot of time in storage along with everything else I own as I am “transitioning” (into what, though, God only knows). Today, B and I went to my storage space and dug the bookcase out from underneath assorted pieces of antique furniture my mother has taken the liberty of throwing on top of it. Then, we went to Home Depot and bought some stain, and I have spent the afternoon sanding and staining something I fell in love with more than half my lifetime ago.

That made me happy.

Condensed Geography

I never thought I’d be so depressed to get into grad school. Ever since I met B, I’ve been afraid that I’d be put in a position where I’d have to choose between someone I love and something I love. I’m in love with B. He’s in Atlanta. I’m in love with HU’s grad program. Its in New York. For those of you who don’t know, New York is approximately 883.39 miles from Atlanta. I’m thinking that something more along the lines of 8.83 is looking better. I’d settle for 88.3 though, if pressed.

Obviously, relocating entire cities is the only answer.

I guess the up side here is that I found not one but two things that I love enough to anguish about them for hours. There’s something to be said for that.

Colin Hay: Beautiful World

My, my, my, its a beautiful world
I like swimming in the sea
I like to go out beyond the white breakers
Where a man can still be free (or a woman if you are one)
I like swimming in the sea.

My, my, my, its a beautiful world
I like drinking Irish tea
With a little bit of lapsong souchong
I like making my own tea.

My, my, my, its a beautiful world
I like driving in my car
Roll the top down sometimes I travel quite far
Drive to the ocean stare up at the stars
I like driving in my car

All around is anger, automatic guns
Its death in large numbers, no respect for women or our little ones
I tried talking to Jesus but He just put me on hold
Said He’d been swamped by calls this week
And He couldn’t shake His cold

And still this emptiness persists
Perhaps this is as good as it gets
When you’ve given up the drink and those nasty cigarettes
Now I leave the party early at least with no regrets
I watch the sun as it comes up I watch it as it sets
Yeah this is as good as it gets.

My, my, my, it’s a beautiful world
I like sleeping with Marie
She is one sexy girl full of mystery
She says she doesn’t love me but she likes my company
For now that’s good enough for me