I have too many words today…

For some time I have felt quite at a loss, but for what I have not known. I was reminded today that I am actually passionate about something: literature. Truth be told (and I hope it often is), I believe myself to have spent the better part of my life running away from this passion rather than pursuing it. As a child, seeing no real reward for what I considered to be merely “reading”, I attempted to excel at science and mathematics. When I succeeded in these efforts I was rewarded on a much higher scale than when I proved myself to be a good reader or writer. High grades on math exams were applauded, successful science projects earned me allowance increases or special dinners. Successfully reading an obscene number of books in a month earned me further trips to the library and nothing more.

While I have overcome this, it makes me question the manner in which we as a society seem to be indoctrinating future generations. Lesser developed nations are experiencing a “brain drain” as the United States soaks up technical knowledge from their most educated citizens. University freshmen are well aware that the best paying jobs go to those who hold degrees in the math and science related fields. The idealist in me would hold on to the belief that people could still pursue what they love, but I think we all know this is less than the norm. I am ashamed to admit that I not only majored but double majored in subjects about which I am less than thoroughly passionate because I thought the chances of employment to be higher (please note: they are not). I wonder how many great problems could be avoided if people would just pursue that which makes them happy, rather than that which society deems to be better or more useful or more profitable.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair –
(They will say: ‘How his hair is growing thin!”)
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin –
(They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”)
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
(from T.S. Eliot’s “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”)

Although I know it to be an issue as old as time, the fact that people are so concerned with “disturbing the universe” really makes me angry. What, exactly, are we afraid of? And who are we trying so desperately not to anger? I am not convinced that God would be angered by our choosing the wrong tie for an outfit, or the “wrong” major in college.

I got to feeling exceptionally antsy this evening and, upon looking around, realized that I was going through poetry withdrawal. Most of my books are currently in storage as I am in a bit of a temporary living arrangement, and there was no poetry to be found on my shelves. In order to rectify the situation, I made an emergency trip to the bookstore and purchased the collected works of Dylan Thomas. I rationalize this by thinking it to be the intellectual equivalent of a fashion emergency that requires one to run to the mall for new shoes (save that books have a much longer shelf life than shoes). In short, Thomas has rectified the situation. And with that, I can finally rest.

La educacion

I work in a bookstore. I don’t really recommend this unless you fit one of the following profiles:
1. You have fewer than 5 functioning brain cells
2. You wish to be treated as though you fit profile #1
3. You LOVE dealing with bitchy people who can’t understand WHY you don’t stock an endless supply of America’s Naval Losses Between 1971-1974, or why summer reading list books are suddenly out of stock the second week of school, and wish to complain about these things at high volumes
4. You adore being forced to get up at 3:45 on Monday mornings

I am better than this, I know it. Unfortunately, my life right now gives little or no reflection of said assumed grandeur. And, even more unfortunately, there is little I feel I can do about it. I want to be back in school in a year, which leaves me little room to eliminate misery from my working life. No non-retail environment wants to hire someone who is going to leave in 11 months.

This is a far stretch from where I had hoped to be once grasping my university diploma. College fills one with the mistaken idea that one can actually do something with that stupid piece of paper. Basically, that paper says that you managed to survive 4 (or more) years of drinking, being hungover, skipping class, going to parties, all while attempting a front of productivity for your professors and parents. Also, the paper can look nice on your wall for a while.

Now, please don’t get the wrong idea. Its pretty damn impressive to say you can make it through four consecutive years of acting like an idiot and getting away with whatever the hell you want; I have a lot of respect for that. The unfortunate part is that now college is becoming as compulsory as K-12 education, but without the perk of optional government subsidization. People who have NO business whatsoever going to college are finding themselves trapped in higher education because society has somehow gotten the idea that it will be good for them. Hear me now: not everyone is meant for college! And now you’re saying “What?! No! People MUST go to college! They will never be able to fulfill the American dream of putting babies on spikes!” Well, you want to know why this is becoming true? Because people like you say its true. Its as simple as that. As a society, we create the reality we live in, and then, most times, we look around and ask how the hell this happened.

Right, sorry, that was an aside. The real point of this mini-rant is this: degrees mean nothing, education means nothing, learning means everything.

And the one real regret I have at this point in my life is that I feel as though, despite various opportunities, I have learned nothing. And If I have survived this long learning nothing, I don’t believe it bodes well for my future, much less the futures of those sitting in a lecture hall right now because society says they OUGHT to be there. Fuck OUGHT. Do what makes you happy. And school makes me happy…